Quietly Anxious

It’s a weird feeling

Like something bad will happen

A sinking feeling

I’m sitting in my own home

Yet I feel like I somehow don’t belong

Everything seems foreign all of a sudden

Not because something is wrong at home

But because of some reason within myself

That I can’t point out yet

I feel anxious inside

I look calm outside

Everything around me is slowing down

While everything inside of me feels restless and hazy

Something is going on in me

It’s making me quietly anxious

Yes, quietly anxious is the word.

There are days

I feel inexplicably happy and carefree

Then there are days

I can’t help but feel anxious and stressed

I need to be empty

Need to empty out my mind

Too many thoughts lurking around

I need air

Distracted.

Body in one place

Mind in another

Hard to concentrate

With all these memories and thoughts running wild in my mind

How do I control them,

Im not sure.

I sit and think

Think about what I should be doing

But all I can come up with is

That which I shouldn’t be doing.

Im just a small girl

In a big world

Trying to keep pace

With the rest of the world

But it moves so fast.

Im caught in a trance

Trying to find my way

Trying to stay out of trouble

But trouble finds me somehow.

It follows me

Like my shadow.

Like a stalker

I cannot rid myself of.

Questions lead to confusion

I can’t free myself of this nauseating feeling

A mixed feeling of drowning, falling, hopelessness, fear, and stress.

Tranquility

Is what I need.   

                                                                                                                                    

To get away from all the scornful eyes

Away from every person’s judgement

Away from myself

To a place far away.

A place so quiet

That I can listen to myself breathe

I want to hear my thoughts unmasked and naked

Free of oppression

Free from the fear of being judged

I need a sense of stillness

A place so still

That I can see my breathe condense in front of me

I need to recollect myself

Before stepping out into this labyrinth called life

I need to find myself once more.