Believe In Yourself

The day you stop comparing yourself to others is the day you will truly be confident in yourself and happy. 

What's making you so insecure that you keep comparing yourself? 

You're smart 

You're nice 

You're compassionate

You're beautiful inside and out. 

Comparing yourself with others is turning you into something you are not. You have nothing to want from others. You already have it all. 

They want to talk highly about themselves, let them. They don't have anyone else doing it for them. 

If there's anything to be said highly of you, it should come from the bystanders. Not from yourself. So you be yourself and don't try to pull others down. That just makes you one of them. Insecure. 

You're not insecure. You are a confident, successful, and smart girl. 

Unmade decisions.

What do you do when you know something is wrong for you but you continue doing it?

Why, even after knowing that the most probable outcome in the end is not what's wanted, do we continue to do certain things?

Sometimes life can get so complicated. Other times it seems like its at its best peak.

Some decisions may seem so tremendously easy to a third person but the complete opposite to you.

When I ask myself the question of 'why aren't I stopping?' answers such as 'I don't want him to hate me' (even though Im 100% sure he wouldn't no matter what), or 'I like spending time with him', 'I really like him', 'why would I pass up such a great guy', and 'I just want to live for the moment' swirl round and round in my mind.

I shouldn't be with him. Yet, I can't get myself to pull away from him.

Damn.

This is exactly why I liked living in my own bubble, under a stone, and read my romance books while sipping my tea.

That kept me quite happy until I had to look up and see his extended arm waiting to pull me into him.

And pull he did.

Purpose Of Life

The title of this post points to a very very philosophical piece. But, what I am going to write is just a teeny tiny epiphany I had while sitting in my Modern Europe history class yesterday.

 We were discussing the fall of communism, how it happened, what led to the down fall etc. All interesting things I must say. My professor mentioned something about our consumer generation and how most of us today only care about how much 'stuff' we have; the unnecessary luxury items, such and such. All we care about is getting out of school, landing a great, well paying job only to buy more 'stuff'.

It's true, I completely agree with him. Many of us want jobs to have have a better lifestyle that's full of things we don't necessarily depend on in order to live. We go to classes that are required for our majors, sit through them, pay attention and make sure we understand the material. Other classes? We (well, I) sit there and think of it as my relaxing class and sometimes sleep. (My history class for example. Ironic. Lol)

What is my point in life? Is it really to land a great job?
Great. I'm awesome at doing my job as an engineer. What about after that?
Put me in a discussion about classic literature, I will have absolutely nothing to say because I never learned anything about it. Put me in a discussion concerning politics. Zip. Nothing.

Is that really what I want?

I think I found my purpose in life. I want to be well rounded, aware of more than just my field of expertise. I don't want to live in a closed off box working my dream job all of my life.

Accomplishing this goal I set for myself to become an environmental engineer is merely one piece to my life puzzle.

There's more to it than that.

Cheers to getting the most out of life.

Mentally Exhausted!

I've definitely heard of, even had re-occurring dreams. I've even had dreams where I was somehow in control of what was happening. But last night, well in wee hours of the morning, I had a dream that left me mentally exhausted upon waking up!! I woke up and lay in bed feeling like every ounce of energy was drained from my body. Way to go! Day didn't even begin and here I was laying in bed too tired to move. And on top of all of that, I was late for work. Ha.

So what was this dream?

I was with a friend getting out of some building (School maybe?). Saying goodbye, we parted and went our own ways. On my way, I saw about three human spider web type of things waaaay up high. (Do those really exist or did I completely make something up? Note: Google human spider webs.) Now that I think of it, I don't recall seeing what exactly these webs were attached to! Lol. Anywho, turns out it was some sort of a competition of who can create the most exquisite web and hold on to it the longest. Oh another piece of detail, the webs were made using rubber bands. Now these webs were super high and the rubber bands were super tight. Think of trying to hold on to a tight rope using every limb you've got, AND being so high up. Pretty nerve wrecking if I was asked. One of the competitors decided to make his web even more creative and started weaving in more loops when ALL OF A SUDDEN he lost grip on one of the rubber bands and was flung to one side. The buzzer blared loud and clear. He used all his body strength to bounce towards the dangling rubber band and gripped it ferociously  Not only was his tittle as 'Winner' on the line, but so was his life! As he struggled to get a grip on his web, I was looking up from the ground in utter shock. Unable to speak. Unable to move. Finally he got his balance back and steadied himself before the buzzer stopped ringing which meant he was still in the competition.

I woke up.

Quietly Anxious

It’s a weird feeling

Like something bad will happen

A sinking feeling

I’m sitting in my own home

Yet I feel like I somehow don’t belong

Everything seems foreign all of a sudden

Not because something is wrong at home

But because of some reason within myself

That I can’t point out yet

I feel anxious inside

I look calm outside

Everything around me is slowing down

While everything inside of me feels restless and hazy

Something is going on in me

It’s making me quietly anxious

Yes, quietly anxious is the word.

There are days

I feel inexplicably happy and carefree

Then there are days

I can’t help but feel anxious and stressed

I need to be empty

Need to empty out my mind

Too many thoughts lurking around

I need air

Distracted.

Body in one place

Mind in another

Hard to concentrate

With all these memories and thoughts running wild in my mind

How do I control them,

Im not sure.

I sit and think

Think about what I should be doing

But all I can come up with is

That which I shouldn’t be doing.

Im just a small girl

In a big world

Trying to keep pace

With the rest of the world

But it moves so fast.

Im caught in a trance

Trying to find my way

Trying to stay out of trouble

But trouble finds me somehow.

It follows me

Like my shadow.

Like a stalker

I cannot rid myself of.

Questions lead to confusion

I can’t free myself of this nauseating feeling

A mixed feeling of drowning, falling, hopelessness, fear, and stress.

Tranquility

Is what I need.   

                                                                                                                                    

To get away from all the scornful eyes

Away from every person’s judgement

Away from myself

To a place far away.

A place so quiet

That I can listen to myself breathe

I want to hear my thoughts unmasked and naked

Free of oppression

Free from the fear of being judged

I need a sense of stillness

A place so still

That I can see my breathe condense in front of me

I need to recollect myself

Before stepping out into this labyrinth called life

I need to find myself once more.

Karma

Do you believe in karma?

I surely do, now. Before some recent experiences in my life, I didn't care much to question karma; whether I believe in it or not didn't go through my mind. But now, like many others, I can say karma is surely a B that came back to bite me in the ass.

I have this thing about me where I am CONSTANTLY late. I have no idea why, where the time goes, why it seems to go so much faster when I need it, but that is just the way it is. No matter how early I wake up in the morning to get dressed for work or school, I end up rushing in the very end.. when I'm already late or on the verge of being late. Maybe it's because I wake up too early and start my morning routines at a very slow pace and kill time by doing unnecessary things like walking around the house, staring at myself in the mirror looking at my puffed eyes after waking up, or anything else that is completely unnecessary.

So anyway, I was seeing this guy, and sure enough, every time we were going to meet up, I was late. Not intentionally I should add. Not intentionally at all. Soon after, my lateness became a big problem in the relationship. He got tired of it (which is understandable). Then I started getting annoyed of him getting annoyed.. (Lol. I even once told him to 'get used to my lateness and be late as well if he knows I'm always late. :T LOL.. Should've thought about little Miss Karma at the time.) And then with some other factors adding into the whole situation, we broke off.

After a while, I met this other guy. We talked and hit off pretty well. But of course karma didn't want to let me off that easy. So what happened? Yup, this new guy turns out to be even more tardier than I am.
It's funny because he gives almost the same excuses for being late as I used to with my previous guy. I get so frustrated at times. I hate it. But I, too, did it. I now understand why a person would get so angry at "Get used to my lateness".

Every experience is one to learn from. Gotta keep working on improving my issues with time.